There’s a lesson I’m practicing right now that sounds simple.

It isn’t.

I am learning not to manage other people’s feelings.

And the more I practice it, the more I realize how often managing someone else’s feelings can look exactly like love.

Think about what we teach children.

When something hurts, feels unfair, embarrassing, frustrating, or scary, we want them to come to us.

And when they do, we want them to feel safe.

We want them to know they are loved.

So we fix things.

We intervene.

We soothe.

We try to make the uncomfortable feeling go away.

And sometimes, of course, that’s exactly what they need.

But what happens if that’s our response every time?

We can accidentally teach them that discomfort is something to be immediately removed rather than something they can learn to experience and move through.

And this isn’t just about children.

I’ve seen this show up everywhere in my own life too.

As a parent.

As a partner.

As a friend.

As a leader.

As a sibling.

Someone I love is upset, and suddenly I’m trying to make the situation better.

Someone is disappointed with me, and I’m scrambling to make them feel better.

Someone is frustrated, and being the natural coach I am, I’m trying to solve the problem.

Sometimes when someone was uncomfortable, I noticed that I had become uncomfortable with their discomfort.

So I’d try to fix it.

Where are you doing this in your life?

And here’s the question I’ve been sitting with:

Whose discomfort are we actually trying to relieve?

Because sometimes we’re doing something “for them” that is also very much for us.

A parent doesn’t want to watch their child have a meltdown.

A friend doesn’t want to sit across from someone who’s hurting.

A leader doesn’t want tension on the team.

A partner doesn’t want to know that the other person is angry, disappointed, or unhappy.

Their feelings become uncomfortable for us.

And because we love them, we call our attempt to change those feelings helping.

But there is another possibility.

What if I don’t have to make this feeling go away?

What if I can be present with you while you feel it?

What if I can listen without immediately fixing?

What if I can allow you to be disappointed without assuming I’ve done something wrong?

What if I can let someone be uncomfortable with a decision I’ve made without rushing to make them comfortable again?

That doesn’t mean becoming cold.

It doesn’t mean withholding comfort.

It doesn’t mean watching someone struggle and saying, “Well, they’ll figure it out.”

It means recognizing that comfort and rescue are not the same thing.

And that’s a distinction I’m practicing in my own life.

My micro-practice

When I notice myself wanting to immediately fix, explain, smooth over, or change someone’s emotional experience, I pause.

And I simply acknowledge:

I’m uncomfortable.

Not:

“They shouldn’t feel this way.”

Not:

“How do I make this better?”

Just:

I’m uncomfortable.

For me, one of the things that helps is writing.

When my thoughts are racing, putting them on paper slows everything down enough for me to actually hear what I’m thinking.

Sometimes I also get up and move.

A short walk. A little time outside. Moving my body instead of sitting inside the mental loop.

I’m not trying to make the feeling disappear.

I’m giving myself enough space to experience it without immediately reacting to it.

And I think that’s the skill we’re often missing.

Not how to avoid discomfort.

Not how to eliminate every difficult feeling.

But how to stay present when discomfort shows up without automatically turning it into a problem that needs to be solved.

So here’s something I’d invite you to notice this week:

Where in your life are you trying to manage someone else’s feelings?

Are you fixing something for them?

Explaining yourself so they won’t be upset?

Changing a decision because someone is disappointed?

Trying to make someone feel better because their feelings make you uncomfortable?

Just notice.

You don’t have to change anything yet.

That’s the practice.

And if you’re finding that you have a hard time sitting with someone else’s feelings, or even your own, we can talk about that.

You don’t have to come to coaching with a perfectly defined problem.

Sometimes we start with something as simple as:

“I keep doing this, and I don’t understand why.”

That’s enough to begin.

Click this link if you need to begin ⤵️: https://hello.dubsado.com/public/appointment-scheduler/656e0dca0c28ccb2251be21a/schedule​

Peace & Grace,

Sonja

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